foooood.
being a little er bored. i have decided to list my favourite food. ha ha ha1) seafood
2) satay
3) tang yuan
4) sashimi
5) shisamo
6) egg yolk
7) mangoes
8) wine chocs
9) pasta
10) strawberry shortcake
11) steak
12) hot chocolate
13) chicken wings
o my ok i realise i like alot more food. but o wells.
yayyyyyy
rahhhh
12:57 PM
Friday, February 20, 2009
那些日子
我知道认识你 爱上你 了解你 看穿你并不简单
可是离开你 失去你 忘记你
我又该怎么办
尤其时常在梦中有你作伴
总教人在梦与醒之间两难
我知道原谅你 放纵你 包容你 疼爱你
其实不难
宁愿背叛你 隐瞒你 报复你 背叛你
我也比较坦然
在这虚幻城市中无人陪伴
我只好在爱与恨之间离散
我只好在爱与恨之间选择离散
rahhhh
4:14 PM
Pick me, choose me, love me.
i wish i was a better person, probably more sensitive, kind etc etc.closer to the notion of being perfect for someone.
mayb prettier, wittier, gentler, sweeter.
the kind of person u fall in love with with interaction. u enjoy being around.
since well there seems to be a direct correlation to how much u are loved in accordance to who u are as a person.
which then directly contradicts the other belief that u will be truly loved if ure who u are.
and i wish i could deal with such issues of love better.
to be able to love and to learn to let love in.
to feel loved, to make others feel loved.
but its just such a loss, and struggle.
and sometimes i wonder if the predicament im in has caused this all, which reminds me how much i want to have my own family and to love my children the way i want to. how those with happy families are so confident of the love they are getting, of the love they give to others, of how they are worth it.
i loved the roses, but i din know if u really wanted to give em to me, cause it seemed to u an expensive commodity that shld be put to better uses like a better meal. and i wondered if me being happy bout it is sufficient. cause i feel guilty tht its a waste. and i want to keep it for memory. but i must learn to throw it away because it attracts ants. and so once more im torn to whether i shld keep it cause i want to or i shld throw it away because to u its useless. and the flowers made me happy, its pretty, but its useless. as much as i love flowers, i feel i cant think in that way now, i should learn to recognise its impracticality, i shld start to feel its not worth it, its useless and a waste of money. it has no practicality. its useless.
no functions. useless.
maybe money really solves some dilemmas. with capital we can do what we want materialistically. we can stop worrying bout budgets. bout bank account statements. bout how expensive an item is, bout how inexpensive an item is. we can go visit anywhere, in whatever way we want to. we can buy it because we like it.
i love you. and everytime as we turn the bend into the carpark, i tell myself i will look u in the eye and tell u i love you, and to thank you for what u have done for me. to not harp on the un-dones because those are mere hidden fantasies and wild romanticised imaginations that shld not be a compulsory. and u shldnt feel burdened to read my mind. and so many times, i find myself unable to look you in the eye as i shy away and leave. and u dont deserve that.
i love it when u hold my hand at times as u drive. when u kiss my hand like u really mean it. and for that little instance i feel, u really do love me and im going to spend my life with u. but sometimes i reach out for ur hand on the table at restaurants and u pull away to drink ur soda, or look at the menu. and it confuses me, i wonder if i am allowed to love u publicly, and u can love me publicly. mayb its the way u are, ur shyness in public displays of affection. and me wanting a little more of simple physical gestures of affection. and thats why i felt so strongly the time when u held my hand so loosely like u were ready to let go anytime, or u din even reach out for me. and me confused with how i can/should show my love, hold back, more and more, i dont tell u i love you as much as i want to, as much as u want me to. i find fault in how we show that we love each other. i plan little surprises in hope u will realise i love u and that u will love me back. but its after this surprises i dunno if i did anything correctly, i question myself if i shld have done it, cause it might be waste of money to u, it might be too extravagant and impractical. and its wrong cause i was wasteful. i dont buy soft-baked cookies anymore, though i eye them on the shelf and secretly really want to get em for u, wad if u felt i was wasting money and that the cookies werent worth the price. i tot u would love the rose. cause it would be a first. now i dont know. should i should i not, what if.
i want to make u laugh happily like u do when ure with ur friends, i want to make u feel comfortable enough to be urself infront of me, i want you to feel happy bout urself when ure with me, i want to be able to hold ur hand without feeling that we shldnt be affectionate, i want to be good enough for u to be proud of.
i have daydreams of picnics, of walks in the evening, of long conversations over coffee, all romanticised, fluffy, sweet and dandy. the simple things that we do make me fall in love all over again. the drive-throughs with fries, the dinners at newton.
sometimes it scares me, cause i find myself talking to myself, saying things like, (how bout a visit to _____ next saturday beryl, i think i can make it alone on a trip like this)(mayb i should start jogging), and start to rationalise how its alright and i must learn to be independent and try out things i want to do instead of waiting around and wishing, hoping, expecting. i catch myself looking around the bend to see if u would be there, and when i realised u arent, i laugh at myself for being silly and having such a wild imagination and then i make my way home. sometimes i walk and feel the wind with my hands, and wonder if i can feel comfort. i find myself wanting to clarify every sentence i say and type, im afraid u will be upset, im afraid i hurt ur pride, im afraid i make u self-conscious and inferior, im afraid that if i tell u my troubles i will stress u out, im afraid if i speak about my daydreams u might feel pressurised into fulfiling them, im afraid u might tell me u shld and will leave because of what i say. im afraid i have caused u too much damage to urself, im afraid to let u go, but im afraid that if i dont u will get more upset by the day, im afraid.
at times i feel like telling u im sorry, cause i dunno if ure happy with me at all, because im just not sure, will u fight for me? and i hate this sense of loss. and i wonder if i shld be full of "i expect..."can u put ur arms around me proudly. and happily. or will u just give up on me? and why can u give up on me so easily? why do i feel so un-worth-it for anyone to want to hold onto to as long as they can.
u will call, and u will say ure sorry, and that u r in the wrong, and that i can be better off without u.
becauseimjustnotworthholdingontoformostlyeveryone.
